To Find out or Not to. . .*

If you don't have children, do you want to find out the gender?

If you have children, did you find out? 

Was it something you talked with your husband/wife about before getting pregnant?

B and I had a long dating relationship (4 years) so it gave us plenty of time to talk about EVERYTHING we could think of, or so we thought! We play different scenarios over and talk about how we would handle them. Even scenarios that would NEVER, really happen. Such as the scenes in the Saw movies.

We did NOT, however, talk about finding out the gender of our babies! So it came as quite a shock to both of us when we were 3 months pregnant (2 weeks from the ultrasound that we find out or not), at a family event, we hear each other saying the complete opposite! We were talking to separate people who asked if we were finding out the sex (odd that it was within ear shot of each other):
Me: Of course, we are finding out.
B: No, we are going to keep it a surprise.

We turned around with a look of AWE at each other! How could this have been something we had not talked about. Of ALL things! Well, we better get talking!

We were at a roadblock and neither of us wanted to budge!
B's reasons:

1. There are not many true surprises in life. The doctor saying, "It's a . . . ." is a true surprise and kind of a thrill. 
2. There's no need to know. Our nursery is gender neutral, so all the future babies can be in there. As are, all the baby supplies: play pen, crib, bouncer, swing, etc. 

My Reasons:

1. I'm OCD, ahem, a planner. I like to know what's coming.
2. I can't picture our future. If we will have a little boy or girl running around,  calling their name, fun projects we will do. 
3. Imagine the baby moving and already have a name.
4. I don't like to say "it." or when other people say "it."

It seemed the only fair way to handle the situation was to not find out. Somebody had to give. I would eventually (on birth day) get my way. And if we found out at the ultrasound Bobby would not get the surprise he was anticipating. So, I went to that ultrasound understanding I would be waiting a few months (5 to be exact) to know if we were having a boy or girl.

While the doctor was doing his thing, searching around, measuring, he asked if we want to know. I said, "No we want it to be a surprise." He looked at Bobby for confirmation, he said, "Let's find out!"
I was so shocked!! "Are you sure?" He said, "Yes."
Note: We were convinced we were having a girl. We didn't care either way but just had a feeling.

I know this picture is not great BUT I tried to laminate the original. . . Big mistake!
The two "blobs" at the top are his feet,
follow legs down,
HELLO!

It's a BOY!

I didn't care boy or girl but just knowing was so nice! And I was so in love with my husband for "allowing" me to find out! He says the look on my face was priceless!

However, I have to admit, I was so sure my "feeling" was right that I was a little disappointed when the doctor said "boy." I got over it quickly and was elated to be having a boy! It didn't take long before I began to  picture our little boy mowing the lawn with his Daddy!

14 months

Now we are on pregnancy #2! And guess what. . . We are not finding out! This time it's for REAL! I am 35 weeks and we don't know if we are having a boy or girl! Most of the pregnancy has been a lot easier them I thought, not knowing. I had a peace about me that I didn't expect. I prayed about it a lot. 

We have names picked out: 

Eli Robert for a boy  

Capri Renee for a girl. 

We switch off and on each week to avoid the "it" phrase: 

Odd weeks -  Eli/he/him/boy 

Even weeks - Capri/she/her/girl. 

The further along I get, the harder it is to wonder. I have 5 weeks (prayerfully) left and am getting anxious. I've been getting frustrated lately, for the reasons I listed above. I can't picture if Jeremy will be a doting, protective big brother to a little sister or have a companion to rough house with in a little brother. Although, both of those roles are not limited to the stereotypical box I just put them in! 

I have felt an emotional disconnect from this pregnancy that I didn't have while pregnant with Jeremy. I have a few thoughts on why this is:

• It's my second pregnancy. I am not as "hyped up" because I have felt it before. But I was just as excited when I saw the positive sign as when I did with J. 
• I am treasuring the time I have left with only Jeremy. He will not longer be an only child. So I am indulging in him more. Maybe that's causing me to push feelings aside for this one because their time will come. 
• I don't want to get too anxious for fear of delivering early. J came at 34 weeks. I am one week past! Praise the Lord! 
• Since I can't picture what the family will look like with an added boy or girl, I can't connect emotionally with the baby.  I can't picture the baby moving around or picture what I think the baby will look like. 

People always ask, "So do you have a feeling of what your having." Remember my "feeling" that Jeremy was a girl and the disappointment I felt when they said, "boy?" I do NOT want that in the delivery room! So, I am not making any guesses, trying to "feel," or listening to any dreams. (I have had 2). I am praying for patience and resting in the fact that boy or girl we will have a happy little family that was made perfectly by God.